back to basics

life has been feeling a little all over the place lately, so i decided to take a pause from trying to figure everything out and go back to the basics. join me on another coffee date as i ramble about the past week, reflect on finding peace in the simplest things, learn to let go of control, and find my way back to myself.

Transcript

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Hi, welcome back to Coffee With JM. I'm your host, JM. Today's episode is actually the first one that I don't have a script for. Let me be honest with you. I'm someone who is a perfectionist, or at least maybe like 80% of a perfectionist. I like planning everything. I always want to have a blueprint before I begin. I want to know where I'm going, what points do I have to make, what message I want to leave you with, and how this conversation can actually be meaningful for the both of us. I don't want to have these 20 to 30 minutes to be wasted. I want us to walk away with something. And honestly, with a script, it's just the more control I have, the calmer I feel, especially because English is actually not my first language. So having a script gives me the confidence that I'm able to articulate my thoughts more properly. But there's something that I realized after making these few first episodes is that although they sound natural, about half of what I said was still planned beforehand. So like those thoughts were written maybe by me two to three days before I actually sit down here to record. And of course, there are still moments where I improvise, but still half of those thoughts belong to a previous version of me. It's like the JM who's recording today isn't exactly the same JM who wrote the script two days or three days ago. So I started wondering, what would happen if I remove all the script completely? Let's challenge ourselves. Let's challenge ourselves. What if this episode becomes 100% about what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, what I want to say right now, in this exact moment, without quite planning, without carefully crafted transitions, without a polished conclusion of what message I'd like to deliver by the end of this episode. Just whatever naturally comes out of my mind. Let's see where this conversation takes us. I won't lie, this actually feels quite scary right now. Because every second I'm here, my mind is thinking, okay, so what should I say next? What should come up? 

Actually, I do have something that I'm coming up with. I do have something that's been sitting on my mind recently. My life has been changing a lot lately, and my head feels quite messy, to be honest. Not messy in the sense that everything is falling apart. No, not like that. It's more like, there are so many little thoughts floating around at the same time that I can't seem to connect them together. It's like I've got hundreds of puzzle pieces scattered around the floor, and then I have some of them pieced together, some not, but I haven't quite figured out how to put the whole picture together. I think that's actually also one of the reasons why I want to do this episode completely on script. Because in times like this, when my mind is cluttered, I think what's correct to do is to just simply let all the thoughts out first. Just let it all out. I want to try to let my intuition speak. I want to see where it leads us, and then we take control from there. You know it's like doing the type of journal which is called morning pages, where you just write out what is in your mind every morning without quite thinking how to structure it or articulate it in the best way possible? Yeah, it's like doing morning pages, but in a recorded version.

By the way, if you've been here for a while, you know that there's usually a coffee with me. There's usually a coffee sitting right here. And every episode, here's this little Coffee Check session where I share with you what coffee I'm having while recording this episode. But no Coffee Check today. No Coffee Check today. Because it's actually past midnight right now. It's like 12 a.m. something. And so definitely not the best time to have coffee, right? I think this might actually become a recurring thing. I don't know. Because chances are I'll be recording late at night again. This will not be the only time I do this. So what I'm thinking is I need to have another little ritual thing to fill in this Coffee Check session. But honestly, I haven't come up with anything yet. So yeah, but I'll figure it out. Or if you have any suggestions, let me know. Let me know.

Okay. So anyways, back to the topic. I don't actually have a topic, but yeah. What I want to say is over the past few weeks, I've realized almost everything that's making me anxious comes down to one thing, which is not knowing what the future holds for me. In less than two months, I'll be starting my first proper corporate job. Not an internship, not freelancing, not part-time, not placements, but like a full-time career. And that's exciting. That's exciting. But also terrifying. I've worked in a corporate before, but only through short-term contracts. They were like a tiny little glimpse into that world and standing outside of the house and then peeking through the keyhole, you know, if I have to put it in a metaphor. I can see something. I can see something. But I don't really know what it's like to be living inside the house. But this time is different. This time I'm like stepping right through a different door. And not only that I'm entering the corporate world again and more formally, it's also that I'm entering it in the UK. Most of my previous experiences were back in my home city in Hong Kong, where everything felt more familiar. The language, you know, the culture, the workspace, the rules. Like even when things were difficult, I understood the environment I was in. But now I'm still trying to find my place in this country, actually, like even if it's already the fourth year I'm here, but I'm still trying to find my place and like getting familiar with things. And on top of that, now that I have to find my place in an entirely new workplace as well. So it's a bit overwhelming to just, you know, like just think about that. 

And besides just the job change, there's also this move. I'm relocating from London to Manchester, which means house hunting. A lot of things like referencing checks, paperwork, waiting for approvals, all these things that are completely outside of my control. And right now I'm in the middle of waiting to hear back from an apartment application. Like if it gets rejected, I have to start over again and actually don't have the time to. I mean, actually, it probably won't get rejected because like everything now is proceeding quite smoothly. But still like, you don't know, you gotta get prepared for worse, right? And I feel like I can't totally relax and sit back before things are set in stone. But there's nothing I can do except wait. I think that's what's been eating away at me recently. Like I'm someone who's naturally very results-oriented. I'm trying to change that. I'm trying to change that. I'm trying to enjoy the process more. But like, if I'm being honest, I still catch myself waiting for someone to just tell me the ending. Can we just fast forward? Like, is everything going to be okay? Will this work out? Can you just let me know what my life is like in one to two months? I want to know about all of that. But of course, life doesn't work that way. Life doesn't work like that.

So yeah, it's things like that that put me out of peace recently. Not because something terrible has happened, not because anything has gone horribly wrong, but just all these little like uncertainties, all these things that are waiting for an answer slowly piled up on top of each other until they become this constant weight in the back of my mind. I couldn't fully switch off anymore. Like even when I'm doing something that is totally irrelevant and unrelated, there's always like a tiny voice reminding me that you still don't know what's going to happen in these aspects. And I think because of that, I became emotionally quite unstable. Everything felt amplified. And like even the smallest inconvenience, the smallest thing suddenly felt like 10 times bigger than it actually was. I remember there was this day when I was getting ready to leave my apartment because I had planned to work in a cafe that afternoon actually to write podcast related scripts or stuff like that. I was already running late. The tube was leaving in like five minutes and it usually took me like seven minutes to get to the station. So I was cutting it really close already. I remember rushing out of my flat and then just speed walking towards the lift hoping that there will be one in a few seconds. So hopefully I might still make it to the tube. But then when I got there, one of the lifts was under maintenance. It was under maintenance. And the other one was like all the way up on another floor, which I knew meant that I had to wait at least half a minute or one minute before I could get down. And then I just crashed out. I just crashed out. Like tears literally just came out from my eyes. Looking back now, that really just looks and sounds ridiculous. Like it's not such a big deal to me. Missing one tube wasn't like the end of the world. I wasn't rushing to an interview or like a meeting with someone else. It was simply just going outside to work on my own. And you know, like if I missed that tube, I'd simply arrive half an hour later. There's nothing really serious after missing that tube. But I think that wasn't really what I was crying about. Like the tube wasn't a problem. The lift wasn't a problem. The moment was simply like the last straw. It was like the last straw. I think what really overwhelmed me was that once again, I lost control over something. Like my day wasn't going according to my plans that I'd imagined. I'd already been carrying so much uncertainty about my future. And like in that moment, it felt like I couldn't even control the next 10 minutes of my life. 

Incidents or moments like this have happened quite often recently. Sometimes I get upset over conversations that normally wouldn't affect me that much. Sometimes I suddenly feel like crying for no obvious reason. Sometimes I become so frustrated like so easily that I'd say things I didn't actually mean to and then I regret it almost immediately afterwards. And I hate that version of myself. I hate that version of myself. Not because I think emotions are bad. I actually believe that emotions should be felt. But the thing is, I don't like to lose control over myself. I think I've slowly learned that we can't control most things that happen in our life. We can't control the future. We can't control other people's decisions. We can't control other people's actions. We can't control whether things will work out exactly the way we hope they will. I'm trying to learn to accept these. But the one thing that I never want to lose is myself. I never want to become someone who let the fear, the anxiety, or like the uncertainty completely take over. I never want to become someone who reacts before thinking, who speaks out of panic instead of like intention, or who forgets how to protect her peace. And I think that was the warning sign I needed. Those like emotionally unstable moments, those like the whole losing my peace for a slightly bad thing is the warning sign I needed. And so I remember a week ago I was like, okay JM, you gotta stop. You gotta calm down and try to look into what is happening with your mind or like your life. And I think instead of trying even harder to control everything around me, I needed to let go. I needed to stop chasing answers and stop trying to predict a future that hadn't happened, you know. I need to take a break. I need to take a break. Not from life. Not like I'm just gonna like f*ck it all and give no sh*t and take no responsibility to what I'm supposed to take responsibility for. But just get rid of the urge and like the cycle of constantly trying to manage and hold myself a hundred percent accountable to the unpredictabilities of life. I need to come back to something much simpler. I need to go back to the basics. Like when you're overwhelmed, our nature tells us to look at complicated solutions. You think you need to fix your schedule, find a better productivity system, watch another self-improvement video, read another self-help book, whatever, make another plan. It's almost like we're convinced that because our problems feel complicated, so the solutions should be complicated as well. But what I'm trying to teach myself is that maybe it isn't. When life starts feeling overwhelming, what we actually need isn't more. Maybe we need less. I remember hearing someone say something along the lines of “take care of yourself like you're looking after a plant.” And I love that image. I love that image. Because a plant doesn't ask for much. It doesn't ask for a perfect career. It doesn't ask for certainty about the future. It doesn't ask for achievements, money, whatever. It simply needs water, sunlight, fresh air, healthy soil, time, and then it just grows. And to be honest, maybe we're not that different. Humans aren't that different. When life becomes overwhelming for us, we've drifted so far away from the simple things that keep us alive. We become so obsessed about solving tomorrow's problem. And then we forget about what we actually need in the moment, what we actually need to feed ourselves with today. There are chances that we forgot to eat properly. We stop sleeping enough. We don't go outside. We rush through our meals. We spend hours looking at the screen and then barely notice the sky, the surroundings. We keep trying to fix our lives while completely neglecting ourselves. It's very ironic that we do it this way. And you just can't fix your life, you know? You just can't fix your life in the bigger picture when you can't even take good care of yourself in the smaller picture.

So like over the past week, I've been trying something different. Nothing revolutionary, nothing that is actually exciting, quite boring indeed. I've simply been returning to the basics. Making myself proper meals instead of like eating whatever that's the quickest, going outside even if it's just like for a small walk or like for groceries and then drawing back the curtains every morning, letting more sunlight into my room, putting my phone down for longer periods, getting enough sleep, just you know like slowing down enough for me to notice that my life is still happening around me. And those problems are not all that matters. And then here's this funny thing. None of those problems are actually solved. My apartment application is still happening. It still hadn't come back to me. My job is still approaching and I still don't know how to start it off, whatever challenge that I'm going to face, I still don't know about that. The uncertainty was still there. Nothing about my external circumstances had changed, but somehow I had. Like I had changed. I can feel myself, like my soul, is like coming back to my own body a little bit more each day, if that makes sense to you. And I think that's the whole point.

So what exactly did I do during this week? What did going back to the basics actually look like for me? Let me walk you through a few remarkable things I've done so far. One of the first things I did was meditation. Just simply I opened up YouTube, searched for guided meditation videos and followed along. I ended up doing two about 30 minute sessions which is something I haven't done in a really really long time. The last time I was meditating that consistently was probably last year when I was going through a much tougher period mentally. This time wasn't nearly as serious. I wasn't at rock bottom or anything like that. But somehow I remembered about this practice and I thought maybe I should return to it. Maybe I should give it a shot. And the first meditation video had a woman gently guiding the session with soft and soulful music playing in the background. And every now and then she'd tell me like when to breathe in, breathe out, when to hold my breath and then when to let go, stuff like that. And then the second one was more like in a completely different style. There was no voice at all. It's just the sound of rainfall. I sat there with my eyes closed and then I listened to the steady rhythm of like the white noise, the rainfall, while being aware of my own breathing. And yeah that's simply it. For those 30 minutes my mind finally stopped running ahead of itself. I feel like my mind finally stayed exactly where my body was and I wasn't thinking about all the other problems or the other stuff.

Besides, I also picked up a book again. And honestly this one really quite surprised me. The book has been sitting on my desk for I think two months now. I started reading it back in May. Got through maybe like one yeah one chapter, one chapter and then I just left it there. Every day I'd walk past it. By the way, it's a novel. And I just walk past it thinking like I'll continue tomorrow. But that tomorrow just never happened. And you know, the longer I put it there, the more I forgot about the story, and I just didn't want to take it back out. During those two days I finally did, and I became completely immersed in it. I enjoyed it so much more than I remember I did when I read the first chapter. It felt completely different than the first time. I don't know whether it's because I had changed like my mood has changed or because I was finally reading it with a more peaceful mind. Every chapter just pulled me in. I ended up finishing the whole book in two days. Yeah and when I closed the last page I remember having this overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I was so grateful like really I was so grateful that I picked it back up. I know it sounds strange to say but I feel like I've done something really kind and loving for myself. Because reading has actually always been one of the things that make me feel like myself. It's one of my oldest hobbies. It's like part of who I am, but I have just abandoned it for two months because life became busy and I got other priorities to take over. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I came back to it. You might say, JM, you know reading is actually not one of the basics. And yeah, maybe it's not basics in the literal sense. It's not food, it's not water, it's not oxygen. But for me, it is. It's one of my basics. It's one of mine. Going back to the basics doesn't have to be the same for everyone. Yes we all still need the obvious basics but I think every one of us also have our own personal basics. The little things that make us feel the most like ourselves. The hobbies we somehow stop making time for. The places that calm us down. So yeah, that's it about reading.

And then what else I did was that… Okay actually, during this break, at least up until now, I've cut out a lot of socializing because I feel like I just lack the energy to hang out with people and instead of forcing myself to do that and show up in a strange vibe I might as well just stay at home and recharge myself first. But I did hang out once. I met up with one of my best friends. She's actually like a relatively new friend. We've known each other for almost a year now. Yeah I think so. She was one of my very first friends I made after moving to London and from the very beginning we just clicked. You know when you meet someone and it feels like you've somehow known them for years? That's what it feels like with her. We just match each other's frequency so well so naturally and I'm just really grateful that I have her. I'm so grateful. Okay anyway, that day we decided to go to Amersham. It's this little market town that's just outside London in Zone 9. There's nothing particularly grand about it, like no famous landmarks, no spectacular attractions. It's just beautiful in a really quiet, understated way. Everything there felt so open. The field scratches out endlessly into the distance, and then gently rolling hills fade into the horizon, lined with clusters of trees that look like they've been standing there forever. The sky was the kind of blue that almost didn't look real. It's like so clear, completely clear, wide open, without a single thing that's competing with your attention. Every color is so clean, like the grass felt greener, the sunlight felt more orange, softer. Like even the air there was so much lighter than it was in central London. There was this incredible sense of space that scratched beyond physical. It gave space for me to loosen up mentally. So we went for a walk through the countryside, walking the tiny paths that wandered between the fields. We weren't really rushing towards anything, to anywhere, and yeah, we were just walking. And earlier before the walk, we found a park and decided to just lie down on the grass. Like literally just lie there and look up at the sky. Talking about random things, completely meaningless things. I don't even remember what we were talking about anymore. The conversation wasn't quite important. The moment was. I don't remember how long we stayed there for. I'll say 20 minutes or 30 or longer. Yeah but like time just disappeared and I forgot to check my phone or whatever. I forgot about things that had been occupying my mind for the past few weeks. For that little moment, the only thing that existed was the sky above me, the grass beneath me, the gentle breeze and my friend lying beside me. It was so beautiful. It was so beautiful. And I remember thinking to myself like, this is it. This is what I've been looking for. This feeling of being completely present and grounded. You know, nature always has this magic, this strange way of putting things back into perspective by reminding you with its greatness that none of your problems actually matter that much. They're just so little and insignificant. I remember my friend was saying how grateful she was that she had eyes that could see something this beautiful, that she could breathe in the fresh countryside air, and I totally agree with her. I totally agree with her. It's so wholesome to be carefree. It's so awesome and so cool that I could just lie on a grass with a mentality that I don't need to give a sh*t about, like if I'm getting dirt on my clothes or like blades of grass stuck in my hair. No. I just don't have to care about all that. And I feel invincible. Like I realized this was the kind of life I wanted for myself. Not necessarily like I have to live in the countryside from now on, not necessarily like I'm escaping the city forever, but I'd like to carry this feeling with me. Living with the same simplicity as I had that day. The same lightness, the same freedom. Taking care of myself the way I take care of a patch of grass. Just existing, just growing and then following whatever life naturally leads me to. I'd honestly say it's one of the best days I've had in my life. And if anyone ever asks me what grounding feels like, I'll say I don't have a definition for it, but I will share with them about that day in Amersham. Like that's my definition.

And then there's also this one more thing I did during this break. I brought myself to the cinema alone. I went to watch Spider-Man: Brand New Day, and it was actually my first time ever watching a movie by myself. Now the funny thing is like I'm almost comfortable about doing everything alone. If you ask me to spend a day by myself, I'd happily stay at home like reading, sleeping, watching videos, doom scrolling, doing absolutely nothing. But stepping outside and doing something that's purely out of enjoyment, going to a restaurant for example, going on a solo day trip, sitting in a park, going to the beach, going to a movie, whatever, I always found that surprisingly difficult. I don't know why. Like maybe deep down I always feel like those moments were meant to be shared. I always prefer having someone like me. That's the part of the code I haven't cracked yet. So when I brought that movie ticket, it actually felt like a much bigger step than it probably sounds. I didn't regret it though. Didn't regret it, don't worry. It turned out to be so amazing. First of all, I absolutely loved the movie. No spoilers, don't worry. Although I think you’d already have watched it by now if you like it. But I hold a high ethical ground to spoilers. Anyway, I genuinely think that Brand New Day has become one of my favorite Marvel films, I'll say. I grew up with Marvel. I grew up watching Iron Man, Black Widow, all that. Those films were like such a big part of my childhood and teenagehood. And over the past few years, I just slowly stopped watching, keeping up with the newer Marvel movies. It just didn't feel the same anymore. But Spider-Man was always different. Peter Parker was one of the few characters I still feel connected with. So like sitting there in a cinema felt strongly nostalgic, I'll say. It reminded me of what watching a Marvel film used to feel like. And more significantly, I resonated so deeply with Peter Parker in that film. Again, no spoilers, don't worry. But the theme was about growing up, about dealing with loss, navigating adulthood, trying to figure out who you are while carrying responsibilities that nobody else could see. And all of that just hit me in a way I wasn't expecting. I spent almost the entire film holding back my tears. But I think what also made the experience more special was the fact that I was there alone. Like somehow it made the whole experience more personal. And when I walked out of the cinema afterwards, I realized like the movie wasn't the only thing I enjoyed throughout this experience. I was actually also proud of myself for bringing me to the movie alone. I was proud that, you know, like I'd finally done something I'd always thought I couldn't do or I was stuck at for so long. It sounded like such a small thing. It was just watching a movie. But sometimes confidence isn't built through huge achievements, you know. That day I proved to myself that I could create joy on my own and I didn't have to wait for someone to accompany me before I lived my life to the fullest. So this experience of watching Spider-Man alone made me think like maybe if I can do this, then I can as well handle other things. Maybe I can handle whatever uncertainty is waiting for me. I should just chill down and trust myself, my ability, my instinct, and my feelings. I still don't know whether everything will work out the way I hope it will. But for the first time in a while, I think I don't feel like I need to know. Maybe that's why going back to the basics matters so much to me. It's not like those things, those simple things could, you know, like magically fix my anxiety. But they reminded me that there's still a life that has to be lived while I'm waiting for the future to unfold. And with the methodology and the ability to keep myself accountable and at peace, I now know damn well that I can always anchor myself in times of challenges, even in the terrible storms. Just throw lemons at me. I'm not afraid. Just throw lemons at me. I’ll for sure make the best lemonade out of them. I dare you. 

Alright, I should stop here. This whole improvisation speech should end here. I have another movie to watch, which I've been waiting for so long, and it's finally out on Disney+. So I'm so excited. I'm so excited. So yeah, I'm going to enjoy my movie and enjoy my life. And so should you. If you're experiencing any hardships right now, if there's something in life that annoys you, promise me, take a deep breath, or like a few deep breaths, drink some water, stand up and walk around the room for a minute, and then take a step back. I promise you, it's not such a big deal. And you sure have what it takes to handle it. When the day comes, you'll be able to crack it, just like the hundreds or thousands of times you've paved your way through all the previous life challenges and changes. Your only and most important responsibility right now is to just take good care of yourself. And you know, do whatever that makes you feel happy and at peace. And remember, you're not alone in this. I got you. And I love you. I love you so much. 

Alright, thank you so much for spending another coffee date with me. I hope you enjoy this time together as much as I did. And I'll see you in the next one. Bye.