am i wasting my life?

the other day during a conversation, i caught myself saying "i'm wasting my life." that sentence stayed with me long after the conversation ended and somehow led me down a rabbit hole of questioning my values and what it really means to live a worthy life. join me as i try to figure out whether the sentence is actually true. 

Transcript

Hi everyone, welcome back to Coffee With JM, I'm your host JM. As you've probably seen from the title today, the episode is going to be a little bit more philosophical. We're going to be talking about whether I, or maybe you, are actually living life to the fullest, or whether we're somehow wasting it. I just appear to be always thinking about these things from time to time, and today I simply want to share my ramblings with you. And if there's anything, by this conversation, I'm hoping to gain a clearer understanding as well of my own thoughts. So yeah, today let's do a little bit of inner work together, shall we? 

Before we get into the topic, let's do a coffee check. Today's coffee is an iced americano I made for myself, which is actually a little bit less interesting than I originally planned. I was going to head to a cafe this morning, get some work done there, and then bring my coffee home and continue to drink it while recording this episode, because based on past experiences, I usually could not finish my coffee when I was working in a cafe. But I had a really bad night yesterday, and I decided to stay in instead after I woke up. And I also ran out of oat milk, which I usually use to make my latte, and so I can't make my usual drink. And so iced americano it is. And to be honest, I actually really need the strong caffeine kick from it right now, because I'm quite sleepy, and I feel like iced americano is probably the best choice under all these circumstances, right? It just does a better job than all the other lattes, other coffee drinks, matcha drinks, in terms of waking me up. I think I've always had a little bit of a love-hate relationship with iced americanos. Sometimes they feel so refreshing and hydrating. And honestly, with how ridiculously hot London is, these few weeks especially, after all the heatwave, I'm not sure even if the heatwave has all passed yet. Or there's still more coming up. I'm not sure, but like, yeah, just with how hot the place is, an iced americano is pretty all I need. But like other times when it's not that hot, or like when I'm not feeling it sometimes, iced americano is like giving boring, it's giving dull. It's just plain coffee, you know? So it's like so strong, straightforward, and without surprises. Especially if it's the first drink in the morning, like before I've eaten anything, I usually try to avoid having it because it irritates my stomach. It irritates my stomach when it's empty. And it made me feel hungrier. On those mornings, I'd much rather have a coffee with milk instead. Because they're softer, creamier, richer, and also more comforting. But anyways, today, I don't hate an iced americano. I don't hate it. I wouldn't say I love it either, but I don't hate it. And I need one. So it's okay. Alright, now that we've got our drinks, let's get back to the topic. 

A few days ago, I was lying in bed one afternoon. It was basically like my day off, and I was doing what I think a lot of us do these days. Doom scrolling. I wasn't really looking for anything in particular, I was just scrolling. And then my friend came in and asked what I was doing, and without even quite thinking, I replied, nothing much, just wasting my life. And then he was like, what do you mean by wasting your life? So like apparently scrolling on your phone is wasting your life. And I said, well, yeah, because I wasn't doing anything productive. And that was pretty much the end of the conversation. We moved on. We moved on. But that conversation stayed in my head. And the conversation itself didn't move on. Later that night, I found myself thinking about it again. And the more I thought about it, the stranger it felt. Because the truth is, at that point, I wasn't really feeling guilty while I was doom scrolling. I wasn't lying there thinking like, oh my gosh, I should stop this or like, I should be working right now. It wasn't like this. It wasn't one of those days where I had deadlines piling up, you know, like responsibilities to deal with. No, I genuinely had nothing urgent to do. And I actually finished working quite hard like a few days ago. And so I actually think I deserve to rest. And to be fair, doom scrolling at that day was actually quite entertaining, like at least at that moment. So I wasn't regretting it. And when I said that I was wasting my life, I wasn't being that serious, like completely serious. But I wasn't completely joking either. I wasn't. And it's like somewhere in between. And that's the part that fascinated me. The fact that those words came out so naturally, like almost automatically, as if somewhere deep inside my brain, there's this invisible belief that if I'm not using my time to do something productive, then I'm wasting it. That I'm not working, I'm not learning, I'm not like building something, not doing anything the society would describe as productive. Then somehow I'm not using my time wisely and properly. And then I realized that I don't actually know whether I agree with that. I don't know if I agree with that. Because there's another part of me, as I said just now, I wasn't being completely serious about a phrase. I actually somehow believe the complete opposite. There's another part of me which thinks like, no, I deserve that afternoon. I deserve to lie there and do absolutely nothing. Not every minute in my life has to be productive. Rest is also valuable in its own way. Doing nothing is valuable in its own way. And sometimes doing nothing is exactly what you need. If doomscrolling genuinely entertains me for those 10 minutes, is it actually anything wrong with it? I don't think so. So it's almost like there are two different beliefs in my heart at the same time. One says, you're wasting your life. And the others say, relax, you're just resting. And depending on the day, one voice becomes louder than the other. And that's when I realized that I'm actually not so clear about where I stand in this. Like what my values are. Or maybe not values. Maybe like my philosophy of life, my idea of what a well-lived life is supposed to look like. I don't really know what to call it. But I do know I am not very clear about it. Because if I truly believe that resting isn't wasting time, then why was I am wasting my life the first thing that came out of my mouth, you know? Where did that come from? Who taught me to think like that? Was it school? Was it social media? Was it the hustle culture? I don't know. I don't know. And that's exactly what I want to figure out with you today. Why do so many of us seem to measure the value of a moment by how productive it is? Why does sitting at your desk for an hour seem more meaningful than lying on your sofa doing nothing? Why do we feel like we need to justify resting by saying like I've earned it? Why can't we just simply rest? Why can't rest itself be enough? So today I want to question those invisible rules I've been carrying around about what counts as a life well-lived. I want to know do these rules make sense.
The day after the conversation with my friend happened, literally just the next day, YouTube recommended a video called A Reason Not to Worry About Wasting Life. I swear to God, like the algorithm is crazy. The algorithm somehow knew exactly what I've been thinking about and was able to share highly relevant content with me. It's crazy. Anyway, the video itself was interesting, but it's not what I'd like to cover right now. What caught more of my attention and felt much more relevant to my question of what counts as a life well-lived were the comments underneath the video. There were a few of them that genuinely made me, when I scroll through them, I stop and think. I stop and think. The first comment goes like this. There is no such thing as wasting your life. It is logically impossible to waste your life. We've been brainwashed by toxic work culture into believing that we constantly have to achieve greater things and compete with one another. That's what's slowly killing people from the inside. Well, that's actually a really bold statement. When I first read the phrase, like there is no such thing as wasting your life, I actually had to read it a couple of times. Because it's such a different perspective, I'll say. I never really think this way. I've always assumed that wasting your life is a real thing. People say it all the time. I'm wasting my life. Don't waste your youth. Don't waste your twenties. We throw these phrases around so casually that we never really stop and ask ourselves, what does wasting your life actually mean? What does it even mean to be able to waste a life? And the comments suggest that we've been conditioned to believe our worth comes from constantly achieving, constantly improving, constantly competing, constantly producing something. And if we're not doing those things, then somehow we're wasting our time on earth. We're wasting our life that's been given to us as if every moment that isn't spent achieving something automatically matters less. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how often we see this mindset everywhere. It's almost like productivity is the default way that we measure whether we had a good day. Think about it. By the end of the day, what do we usually ask ourselves? What did I get done today? What have I finished? And these questions are like the other way of asking, was I productive today? Was I productive today? But we rarely ask ourselves questions like, did I enjoy today? Did I feel happy today? Did I feel peaceful today? It's always about productivity. It's always about what we have accomplished, what measurable results we have produced, and the crazy part is, I don't think most of us consciously choose to think this way. I don't think we consciously choose it. It's just like in the air. It's in school, like where we get praised for getting good grades. It's in our jobs where we talk about KPIs. It's on social media, let's say LinkedIn, where everyone's posting about promotions, milestones, achievements. And then on YouTube, in those like 5am morning routine videos, it's everywhere. It's everywhere. And don't get me wrong. I don't think any of these things are inherently bad. I actually enjoy being productive. I actually enjoy being productive. I love creating things. I love making, let's say, this podcast. I love working on projects that I enjoy, that excites me. I love finishing something and think, yeah, I'm so proud of it. I'm proud of what I did. I don't think ambition is the enemy. I don't think hard work is the enemy. But what I think is maybe unconsciously, we have accidentally made productivity the only thing that gives our time the value. And if that's true, then no wonder resting feels so uncomfortable sometimes, no wonder it's so difficult to just sit there and do nothing because we can't find value in it. We don't recognize the value in it because somewhere behind the back of our minds, we still try to tell ourselves that we have to earn the rest. We tell ourselves that, oh, like I'll rest. I'll relax after I finish this. I'll watch the film after I finish my work. I'll enjoy myself after I finish my to-do list today. As if rest is like a reward, as if it has to be deserved. But maybe it isn't, you know, maybe it isn't. It's simply part of living, just as important as work, as important as creating, as important as achieving. Now, obviously that I'm not saying we should all just quit our jobs and then spend the whole day lying in bed, watching TikTok, Instagram Reels, YouTube Shorts. No, that's obviously not what I'm trying to say. But maybe we also sunk too far in the opposite direction. Maybe we become so obsessed with optimizing every hour of our lives that we've forgotten that some hours don't actually need optimizing. Some hours are allowed to be slow, allowed to be quiet, allowed to be unproductive, allowed to be spent doing absolutely nothing. That's not wasting our life. That's not taking life away from us. That's part of life too.

So if being productive, working hard, or constantly chasing the society's standard of success isn't actually the best way to measure whether we are living our lives to our best, then what is? Then what is? If you ask me, my answer will be to enjoy every moment instead. The goal is to live in the present. And as long as you're doing that, no time is ever wasted. At least that's what I thought. But then, although I kind of have the answer for this, I have another question that's associated with this. How do I actually live in the present? How do I actually enjoy the moment? Practically, how do I do that? It's one of those beautiful phrases we hear all the time, living in the present. But what does it even look like? How do we do that? Then I came across another comment under the same video that day that helped me think about this. It said, how arrogant it would be to believe that I'm entitled to a life tailored perfectly to my desires. The truth is, the beauty of life lies in its unpredictability. Not knowing, not fully understanding, and yet choosing to live as it comes. After all, wasting your life isn't the worst thing. Trying to control it too much might be. And I genuinely think this is so inspiring. Because it makes me realize that one of the biggest reasons we struggle to live in the present, or we are not sure how to do it, or we can't do it, is that we are constantly trying to edit the vision of the present. We are always trying to negotiate with reality. We are always trying to control it and change it. We want today to be more exciting. We want it to be more productive. We want it to be happier. We want ourselves to feel happier. We want life to move a little bit faster so that we can achieve the things we want to achieve. We want the difficult parts to hurry up and end. We're constantly deciding on which moments are worth having and which one we'd rather skip or scatter. It's because we are always trying to compare the reality, like with the version we have in our mind, with what we wish we had, so that we stop experiencing the version that's in front of us. That is what blocks us from living in the present. The urge to make every moment enjoyable. And if it isn't, we resent it. We resent the moment. But maybe that's not the healthiest or wisest way to live. Living well is about allowing every kind of moment to exist instead. Because if we define living in the present as enjoying every single moment, then it's basically like setting ourselves up to fail. Some moments just aren't enjoyable. It's just impossible. Like heartbreaks. Heartbreaks aren't enjoyable. Feeling lost isn't enjoyable. Being anxious isn't enjoyable. Crying isn't enjoyable. But that doesn't mean those moments aren't meaningful, right? You know, working towards your goals can be meaningful while resting. Can also be meaningful. Doing absolutely nothing can be meaningful. Feeling excited can be meaningful. Being heartbroken is also meaningful. Feeling grateful is meaningful. And then feeling confused, feeling stuck, feeling sad, crying for no obvious reasons. Like everything, literally. They are all meaningful. They are also part of living. We don't have to decide which emotions deserve to exist and which ones we'd rather erase, you know? We don't have to keep trying so hard to bend our life towards the experiences we enjoy or like that are more presentable in social terms just to avoid everything else. Maybe that's not what living in the present is about. Maybe the goal is to simply let every moment be what it is and let yourself be there with it. Whether it's beautiful or boring, whether it's joyful or painful, whether it's exactly what you wanted or nothing that you have ever imagined. Because by the end of the day, like everything, all these components, it's still part of your life. And I think that's enough reason. That's already enough reason for you to experience it fully. 

Throughout my life, I think there were a lot of times when I was really strict about myself, about my feelings or like what I experienced. My mindset was about shutting down or avoiding these so-called negative emotions just so I can keep everything together. I can keep things in control. But actually, the more I try to control things and suppress my natural emotions, like it might work in a moment, it might work in a moment. I might be able to avoid going through some uncomfortable parts for a while and focus on work or whatever else. I persuaded myself that I had to prioritize instead of my feelings. But then I'll reach the point where I burn out eventually. And then like every emotion or everything I avoided to experience would just come back to me and explode in my face all at once. That's a really fked up situation. That's a really fked up situation for both your mental and physical health, I would say. So I think to live a more regulated, healthy and balanced life would be letting all the emotions, like every experience, whether good or bad, come and go naturally. As long as you're actually feeling them while they're happening, being conscious and noticing and, you know, like communicating with the people around you, paying attention to your surroundings, being grounded, then I think you're already living life to the fullest. 

And I've also been thinking about this in another way recently. Try to imagine. Imagine yourself, let's say, 40 or 50 years from now, lying on your deathbed. Okay, okay. I know that's not exactly like the happiest thing to imagine, but just hear me out, okay? Just hear me out. Let's say I'm going through heartbreak right now. But if I fast forward to like 50 years or 40, the pain will be gone. The pain will be gone. That chapter of my life will have passed. And somehow I think this thought just really comforts me. It's not that it will make the heartbreak any less painful right now. It doesn't. Sorry, it doesn't. Like when you're in it, it hurts. It just fking hurts. It genuinely hurts. But it reminds me that I don't have to fight so hard against the experience itself. I don't have to rush to get over it. I don't have to pretend that I'm okay before I actually am. Maybe my only job right now is to let myself feel it while it's here. Because although the pain in the moment feels like it's gonna kill me, the truth is, if you set your mind right, if you have this mindset and you're persevering enough, it won't. I promise you it won't. Everything shall pass. The happiness will pass. Sadness will pass. Excitement will pass. Anxiety will pass. One day like the heartbreak will simply become another chapter of your life. And like if I try to spend all my energy trying to avoid it, suppress it or like convince myself that I shouldn't be feeling a certain way, then maybe that's when I actually lose something. I lost the opportunity to be present for myself, for my own life while it was happening, you know. 

So yeah, let's learn not to be so afraid or anxious about whatever we're feeling or experiencing in the moment. Even if it's not the most productive, most positive, or most socially acceptable and presentable ones. Because they won't kill us. They might not be enjoyable in a moment, but will definitely be something we would find value in, find beauty in, and something we will not regret experiencing when we look back one day. So I think that's the conclusion I've come to. As long as I'm willing to fully experience my life as it's unfolding, instead of constantly wishing that I were in somewhere else, I was something else, then I don't think I'm wasting my life. I don't think I'm wasting my life. Whether I'm working, resting, laughing, crying, successing, failing, whatever. As long as I'm genuinely here for it, that's already a life well lived. 

Okay, I feel like I have a more organized mindset and like a clearer set of values now. There's still a long way to go before I can actually put all these into practice. But yeah, I feel like I've cleaned up my thoughts a little bit more. And next time, if I'm enjoying a bit of doomscrolling, maybe I'll just stop being anxious about it. I'll stop being anxious about it. Even that 50% of the serious part of saying I'm wasting my life, let's not say it next time. Let's stop calling it wasting my life. To be honest, I don't know if everything I've said over the past hour makes any sense. Maybe if you study philosophy, you'll listen to this and call me out on how unprofessional I am and how theoretically or practically wrong everything I said is. Or maybe it's all bs. It's all just common sense to you. Maybe you're thinking, Everyone knows about this. Everyone knows there's no such thing as wasting a life. We all just say it for fun. It's not that deep. Everyone knows how to live in the present. Well, I'm sorry then. Because I don't. Because I don't. I've always had these messy contradictory thoughts in my head, but I never really figured out which value I want to stick with. So yeah, I guess I did need to figure this out for myself. 

Okay, anyway, that's all I have to say for now. I feel like if I keep talking, it will really just become bs. I don't have anything else to elaborate on. My brain is kind of hurting from all the thinking just now and from writing this script. So if I continue, I'll probably just end up going round circles, repeating what I've already said. Or maybe I was already going round circles. Maybe a lot of this episode was repetitive. I don't know. I hope not. But even if it is, I hope you could still find something in what I said that felt relatable or meaningful. 

Alright, let's allow our brain to take a little break from all the deep thinking now. Let's just come back down to earth. Thank you so much for hanging out with me today. I am feeling a little bit not in the best mood today, actually. So yeah, I just hope everything I said makes sense and you enjoyed this hangout as well. Now finish your coffee, take good care of yourself, and I'll see you in the next one. Hopefully, we'll be talking about something a little easier and more chill. I haven't 100% planned it out yet, but like, hopefully. Alright, see you next Thursday. Bye.